Mindset is… EVERYTHING.

 

 

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It’s me again, your average consistent inconsistent blogger.

I know I have talked about this topic before but I cannot stress enough that mindset is everything!  I have been in a rut this year, struggling to get the weight off I put back on, and I know why. It wasn’t due to lack of meal prepping (guilty), inconsistent workouts (check) and too many Sunday Funday’s (opps) . While those things haven’t help my cause, I can pinpoint my lack of success directly to my mindset.

“But I’ve lost weight before”, I kept telling myself. Then why can’t I do it now? I’ve spent so much time agonizing over eating low carb or no carb, dairy or no dairy, keto, full fat, low fat, counting calories or macros, paleo, Mediterranean., you get the idea. At times it can be so overwhelming and anxiety producing just for me trying to decide what to eat. I get angry at people who cant eat whatever they want without fear of consequence, guilt, or binging.

When I looked back to the moments I was successful, I realized it wasn’t the diet plan or the amount of carbs that got me there. It wasn’t weeks without pasta or cheese. It was willpower, determination, confidence, patience, constancy, and faith…all things you cannot find on a set of nutrition facts.

I always joke how I miss the 2015 Amanda–she was in shape, determined, and probably consuming way too much pre-workout. But as crazy as she was (at least one 5K every weekend and two a days) .. Her mind was in the right place.

This year has been emotional for me. I’ve been in a mental struggle and sometimes anxiety and depression have gotten the best of me. But I am here to take back control of my life and stop being a passenger.

Sometimes you need to let go of what has been weighing you down on the inside, before you can shed weight on the outside. I am not giving up yet. I am finally getting back into the right mindset and doing my best to get back into the groove.

Obtaining a clear mindset can be achieved through  self-care. It means putting yourself first, and making sure your priorities are straight. It means making goals and taking action to make your goals. It means caring less about what other people think about you and only caring what you think. It means living with no regrets and not apologizing to anyone for who you are. It means getting rid of toxic behaviors (including people) and surrounding yourself with positivity vibes only. It means less complaining and more doing something about changing. It means stop comparing yourself to others, and not worrying about being “behind”. It is accepting you are right where you are supposed to be and having faith that if things aren’t so great right now, that its not forever and life always works itself out.

I am learning to not worry about falling in love, but to try and fall in love with myself. Everyday I need to work at it, but it is getting easier and easier. I still have moments of weakness and self doubt-but giving up and giving into them is not an option. Every time I fall down I will get back up, and every time I fail I want to try 10x harder.

There is still about 4 months left of 2018 and I am ready to give it my all, day by day, one step at a time. Whos with me!?

As always thanks for reading !

 

Rock Bottom

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So if you can’t tell I seem to only be able to update this thing when I am feeling good/motivated. And If I am being honest, well it has been a while since I have felt either of those things.

 

The truth is it is easy to keep your fitness blog/social media current and positive and inspiring when you just finished a 5k, or you lost another 10 pounds on the scale, or that goal pair of jeans you bought 3 months ago finally slide right on.

 

It is not so easy when the weight you fought to get off (literal blood , sweat, and tears) creeps back on. It is not easy when you feel like a failure, or when your clothes are feeling tighter.  When you have set your alarm clock for 4 a.m. consistently for months, and only made it to the gym a handful of times. It’s especially hard when you find yourself repeating bad habits that you swore would never come back.

 

I have been feeling a lot of mental anguish lately. Nothing I seem to be doing is working, and I can’t find any progress on or off the scale. Some of my setbacks were out of my control: two surgeries, followed by a car accident. Those events have made my gym life sporadic and have certainly lowered my morale a lot. However, I was taught “abs are made in the kitchen” and thought even if I can’t get to the gym that food is most important, but despite my best efforts to eat “healthy” , I’ve been failing in that department too.

 

And if I’m being super honest, the hardest set back hasn’t been physical or due to circumstances out of my control. It has been mental. I’ve been stuck in a serious rut that I can’t seem to get out of. I’ve been depressed and down on myself.

 

I started to feel a lot better when a few weeks ago I visited my cousin (and one of my biggest supporters) in Massachusetts, a trip I’ve been wanting to take for years. She shares a lot of my blog posts with the people in her classes, and some of them even started following me on social media. I was so excited to finally get to her classes, but before I went I was feeling very nervous. Here I am the girl who is supposed to be inspiring, having lost a bunch of weight, feeling unsure if I could even have the stamina to make it through two classes back to back (a year ago it would have been normal for me to do two workouts in a day).  I wasn’t sure what the outcome would be but I was going to be damned if I didn’t try. To my surprise I did it, and it felt great! I’ve been trying to hold on to that “awesome” feeling I felt after taking her classes and use it as fuel to try and get my drive back. It was just a taste. As much as I felt like a “failure” or a “phony” meeting these people for the first time, the warmness I received (including a giant hug) from the people in her classes made me feel so good and gave me a sense of purpose again.

 

But, unfortunately, sometimes before I can really change, I need to hit rock bottom. I think I finally have. A few nights ago I ended up binge eating for the first time in a long time, followed by intense guilt, and me hovered over a toilet attempting to make myself sick, followed by the tears after I couldn’t do it. And if I didn’t need any more reminders of how fall I’ve fallen, I saw pictures of myself taken this weekend and my heart sunk.

 

I was flooded with emotions. “How can this be me again?” “How could I possibly let myself end up here again knowing how much work and sacrifice it took me to get to where I was?”

 

Today was the first “hot” day of the year and it scared me. It has been winter for so long that I’ve been able to hide under big, comfortable clothes. Soon I will have to face shorts, dresses, and even bathing suits (shudder). I have to face the reality that people are going to notice the weight I have put back on and the shame that comes with that. The same people who in the past congratulated me for “looking good” or losing weight, are going to see me and the shame and sense of failure I may feel terrifies me. I remember the best part of losing weight for me was shopping for clothes that weren’t loose and baggy and not crying in the dressing room. Feeling comfortable in my own skin was my greatest feat, even though I was nowhere near my “goal weight” or even near the weight I am “supposed to be”.

So with that said, I am throwing all my other goals aside for the moment and focusing on my mental battle and trying to get that “comfort” in my own skin back. I want to get back to that feeling I had after the workout classes with Jen, and the feeling of accomplishment I used to have after I hit a goal (big or small). I am hoping this sun will be enough motivate me, but if anyone has any other suggestions, feel free to throw them my way!

If you have ever felt like this, even a little, just know you are not alone. That bad times don’t last and no matter how many times you think you’ve “failed”, what counts is if you stand up and keep trying.  That we cant control what happens to us, but we can control how we react to it. I have a long way to go, but I haven’t given up yet no matter how close I came.

Thanks again for those  of you who actually read my ramblings, your support means the world to me.

 

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Crash Dieting….Tonsils edition.

This blog post is coming at you at 3 am (Well that is when I wrote it..)

 

Crash-Diet

If anyone is looking for a crash diet to get those last 10 pounds off — I have the perfect solution for you .

Just get your tonsils out . You won’t be able to eat anything .. seriously .

 

I myself was struggling a bit with putting the fork down until God intervened. As you may know, I recently had my tonsils out.

People love to talk you up when you’re naturally feeling nervous before this surgery . They’ll say things like:

“But you’ll get to eat all the ice cream in the world after”

Yeah, which actually translates to :“You’re actually  going to die a slow painful death and ice cream is not at all involved”

“You’ll just have a sore throat for a few days then you’ll be fine “

Which actual translates to “you’ll feel like you are swallowing knives for at least 10-14 days after surgery “

For anyone thinking I am being a baby or that these things are inaccurate , I implore you to get your tonsils out yourself so we can compare notes of it “not being that bad “.  I’ll hit you with the “until you walk a mile in my shoes” and “throwing stones at glass houses “metaphors real quick .

Ice cream gets all the credit , but I’d truly like to thank the makers of Jello, Popsicles ,  Ramen noodles, and mashed potatoes for keeping me nourished during these difficult days .

Now that that rant is over , on a serous note this extra time to think (between Netflix binges) has got me pondering  what I want to accomplish this year when I am feeling better.

It’s no secret I’ve been in a bit of a rut even following the new year resolution frenzy . So I’ve been trying to think back the last time I felt good and had a better mindset .

The me I want to be again had goals and felt a sense of accomplishment after achieving them . My biggest things were the Spartan races and getting stronger physically at the gym so I want to head back and focus on those things instead of just weight loss .( Though, weight, please feel free to come off )

That being said I think I want to do something crazy like train for a marathon (even more crazy considering I truly hate running ) or getting my Spartan trifecta under my belt .

After discussing some of these big goals with someone, they challenged me by saying  why pick just one ? Do them all . I didn’t have a good come back so, that’s what I am going to do.

I am going to set some big goals to smash— and smash em . Look out 2018 I’m coming for you .  What are some of your goals for this year ? Share them with me ! I am trying to grab another popsicle and get inspired over here .

As always if you made it this far thanks for reading ! Love y’all

New Year new….

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Anyone else feel like this? I know I do. As we enter a new year, I am feeling a mix of emotions. I feel excited for a “fresh start”. I feel hope for the future and the unknown. I feel thankful for my health, my friends, and my family. But I also can’t help but feel a bit like a failure.

As I reflect on 2017, like every year, it certainly had its ups and downs. I had been so close to my goal—I could literally see the finish line–then somehow I took a left turn, fell down, and went back in the wrong direction.

Even writing this feels really vulnerable. I set up this account on my own–choosing to put my fitness journey in the public eye–without thinking about what it would be like if I didn’t succeed.  People would tell me I was inspiring them. Me? Inspiring? That was never my intention–but an amazing added bonus! It felt good to work on my goals and make progress, and at the same time encourage others as well.

While I am still doing this for me, for my own accountability-it  feels embarrassing when I have to admit my setbacks or face the reality of my mistakes. I feel like a let down.  I feel the opposite of inspiring.

I guess what it comes down to is, I like to keep this journey real. You can go on Instagram and see thousands of people posting their journeys every day–so happy and peppy and full of mojo. But do any of those people have bad days? Do they ever feel discouraged? Feel like giving up? Sick of the kale? It would seem like no, but I’ll bet they do.

This is the ugly side of this journey. You don’t always feel motivated. You have setbacks. You sometimes wonder if its even worth it anymore. But the only thing that matters, I’ve learned, is to not give up. Even if you fall down a thousand times–what counts is that you get back up. Keep going…especially when you don’t  want to.

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This morning I debated about stepping on the scale. I’ve been in the mindset lately that I don’t need to weigh myself to know where I am at. I can tell by how I feel and how I look and I think that those things are more important than the number I truly do, even if it took my years to get to this point. I also didn’t want to step on for fear of a mental breakdown. I know I’ve gained some weight–but was I prepared to know how much?

Finally, I put my big girl sweatpants on, armed myself with coffee and just did it.  I am definitely disappointed by the number. However-it is still 20 pounds less than what I weighed in January last year. I could have gained 20 pounds–or more but I am still technically down 20 pounds and that isn’t so bad. Still 50 pounds down from the beginning of my journey. Sometimes its easy to get wrapped up in the negatives and negative thinking–but focusing on the positives truly helps.

My goals for 2018 aren’t numbers on a scale. Yes–I have weight to lose but that is not my main focus. My goals this year are strength–balance–moderation–and mindset.

If I can get my mind set in the right place and really grasp how to handle moderation and balance than  I think I will be way more successful long term than just trying to chase numbers on a scale. I also think it would be cool to get my strength back in the gym and feel strong again.

Stay tuned  and thanks for reading as always! -follow me on my journey and join me if you want! If you wanna see more–follow my Instagram foreverlastingymclass

 

No Days Off December and other things.

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If you follow my Instagram at all (foreverlastingymclass) you may already know that I am doing a personal No Days Off December challenge. And if you don’t follow me and read this blog..why aren’t you!? Just kidding….

I had wanted to get things in gear back in the beginning of  November–but couldn’t really find the motivation. I was having lots of trouble getting fitness back into my daily routine. I would go a few days–then stop-then start-then stop again. I turned to family and friends for some advice on how to get my mojo back.

One of my best friends suggested setting a mini-goal or challenge for myself. She said that I did better when I had something to focus on. And –well  after  thinking about it I realized she was right! (Huh, my friends actually pay attention). I always do well if I know I have to commit to something– like an eight week gym challenge or a diet bet–something other than myself to hold accountable to. Thus–I created my own. No Days off December designed by myself specifically for the purpose of getting back to the gym on a daily basis, or at a minimum of 5 days a week.

I also wanted to make sure I ended December strong. I don’t mean that I won’t enjoy the holidays and don’t plan on being perfect, but I didn’t want it to be a “free for all” until New Years like it has ben in the past. I started off this year motivated and I’ve had some set backs, (which is life), but I owe it to my 2017 January self to end at least on a high note and with my fitness routine somewhat intact.

Two weeks into the challenge so far I am feeling good. And by feeling good-I simply mean every muscle in my body hurts. I had forgotten what soreness actually felt like–and it hurts so good.  These sore muscles are validating two things–1. that I am out of shape, and 2. that my workout actually counted for something. There are days I absolutely do not want to go to the gym—for reasons like: I’m tired, I’m sore from yesterday, I’m cold, etc… but because of the challenge I’ve made sure I at least did some type of physical activity every day so far. It is so easy to make excuses, but at the end of the day everyone has  a little time to do SOMETHING, and from personal experience–nobody ever regretted a workout after they were finished. (I don’t think..if you have, I’d love to hear from you! haha)

18 more days to go.  Hoping I can complete this challenge and head into the New Year feeling good. Note to self..next time pick a month with less than 31 days.

-As always, bless you for reading !

Also–thinking about spicing up the blog next year. Adding videos-offering tips or challenges-recipes–that kind of stuff.  I sometimes think when I write theses or post on my Instagram I am really just talking to myself (Which  is its purpose  to be honest for accountability)…but this Sunday at the 5K someone came up to me and said I was inspiring them with my December challenge! Me? Inspiring? Who knew? I’d love to do some more of that, Would anyone be interested! Comment here or on FB or take the poll below =)

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Would you be interested in seeing more content?
Yes-show me tips, videos and recipes, and more!
No–keep to what you were doing!

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Shifting Goals

 

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I am sitting in my favorite local café writing this, with a big hoodie on, my 10 year old UGG boots, and with  hot cup of butternut squash and apple soup.

This can only mean one thing-it is officially ‘fall’ and I officially haven’t updated this thing since August (oops).   After my surgery I kind of got de-railed and have been on and off my fitness game ever since. But that’s life and things don’t always go as we plan, no matter how hard we try.

I can’t believe there are only 59 days left of this year.  Even though there is just about two months left–I can say my mindset has shifted several times this year. The goals I had made in my head in January most likely won’t be reached–and that is okay. And some of my goals themselves has changed, and that is okay too. I used to be so afraid of change–but lately I have been trying to embrace it.

I have been on this journey for four years and have had so many ups and down and in-betweens. I have spent periods of time excessively counting every single macronutrient I put into my body and making sure I ran in place by my bed until I burned enough calories or got enough steps daily. I would pass on every single treat or cheat and had points where my self control was unbreakable–to a fault. Then this was usually followed by a complete binge fest of eating whatever I wanted and anything in sight, going to the gym whenever I felt like (which when you are eating like that, is never) and I found myself in a cycle that wasn’t healthy and ultimately self-loathing.

Since my surgery, something I thought was a total disaster and bump in the road, I truly feel like it may have been my greatest learning opportunity so far. I was forced out of my comfort zone and had to take a step back. Before my surgery I was weighing myself every single day, multiple times a week and extremely hard on myself if I didn’t lose weight.

The past three months I have barely weighed myself. But when I have, I noticed I stayed around the same (admittedly about 10-15 pounds heavier that pre-surgery), which for me is a huge deal since I have spent so much of my life in a constant up- and down manner. I have been exercising trying to eat as best as I could– but still indulging when I wanted (which sometimes is too frequently). But I do have to say this is the closest I’ve come to “balance” in a long time.

I have always been on one end of the extreme either 100% committed or completely off track, which is not sustainable. I am now realizing that to make this lifestyle sustainable for me I need to work extra hard to find that balance of fitness, health, and happiness.

With that said, there is ALWAYS room for improvement and ways to better yourself and I think that is something everyone should strive for everyday, in any aspect of their life. So, I still have goals to set and achieve but instead of focusing on that finish line as a meter for when I will be “happy” I am going to do my best to  enjoy the ride and be happy even if I am not where I want to be yet. I am not going to miss out on things I want to do because I didn’t hit a goal yet or lose x number of pounds.

With these last 59 days my new goals are going to focusing more on strength as opposed to just losing weight. I do have some weight to lose but I found that when I set strength goals such as a new PR in the gym or finishing a 5k faster than my last time, that was when I truly felt accomplished and I haven’t felt that in a while.

So here’s to the last few months of 2017, use these last 59 days to accomplish something you wanted to at the beginning of the year. I am going to try my best to reach some goals, and set some new ones. I signed up for a 5K on Saturday–so that is going to suck since I haven’t run but I am ready!

As always if you made it this far I truly love you and thanks for reading my rambles.

On pity-parties, set-backs, and comebacks

In case you haven’t noticed, I have been quiet lately. My inspirational quotes have been sprinkled only sparingly, and there is a ton of extra room on my camera roll where my gym selfies would have been.

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A month ago, however, that was different. I was on top of the world. I had just finished second place in the Edge weight loss challenge. I lost 28 pounds in 8 weeks. I was two pounds away from being back to my lowest adult weight. I was 1.5 pounds away from losing 50 pounds in 2017 alone. I was in amazing shape. My endurance was high. I was feeling strong. And I could taste the finish line of my first major goal.

Before the sweet taste of victory, I decided to indulge in a few savory things, like cheese , which I had gone without for months. I was going to “treat myself” for my hard work. After my epic cheat meal, I had stomach pain for two days. I thought I was just being punished for eating French fries. When I complained, everyone told me it would go away. “Your body just isn’t used to eating that way.” When it didn’t go away I found myself in the ER, and hours later being prepped for emergency gall bladder surgery.

That “cheat meal” would later be described by my doctor as binge eating. The need for my surgery would later be attributed to “rapid weight loss”. And just like that, the finish line went from a few yards, to miles away.

Before my surgery, I was feeling more confident than I had in a long time. Maybe ever. I was comfortable in my summer clothes. I wasn’t worried about how I’d look in a bathing suit. Flash forward to after surgery. When I first saw my inflated belly, I cried for an hour. Even if it was temporary, and no matter how many people told me the swelling would go down, I was devastated. My self confidence was shattered again.

My first reaction was anger. I felt like I was punished for losing weight. Rapid weight loss? I didn’t starve myself. I didn’t take crazy supplements. I did what everyone told me to do: eat healthy and workout. Yes, I may have passed on the rolls for my burger at a few picnics, but nothing near drastic.

After the anger passed was sadness. I threw myself a month long pity party. I felt like it was unfair. That I didn’t deserve this set back and obstacle. That I couldn’t catch a break. I was flooded by negativity. I felt like no matter how hard I tried I’d never reach my goal because of all these obstacles. I felt like I’d just keep gaining and losing these same pounds and never truly change. That I’d never reach that line I was so close to.

Once I started to feel better and the pain diminished, I had the desire to get back on track. But not the motivation. I continued to be inactive and I continued to eat mindlessly. I felt depressed and didn’t know how to get back into the mindset I was in pre- surgery.

Then last Friday I had a follow-up with the surgeon. When I had to get on the scale, I almost cried. It was then the lightbulb started to go on.  This time my diagnosis was “Everything is fine”. The only thing wrong with me was that I didn’t have a gall bladder. I realized  only thing that was holding me back  from my goals now was me.

She told me to “take the weekend” and return back to my workout routine on Monday. I internally laughed at the cliché of starting on a Monday, but  that is exactly what I did. Yesterday I did some healthy food shopping. I set my alarm and even though I didn’t want to get up and may have snoozed for two hours longer than I wanted to, I still got up. And it felt great. I mean that figuratively. Literally, it was awful. I felt out of shape and like a new born baby cow trying to learn to walk. But I am so glad I made the effort.

The point is to all this is, life happens. You cannot always prevent obstacles and set backs. Somethings in life you just can’t control. You can only control how you react to them. Looking back I could have reacted differently. I could have kept my diet more in tune and tried to do more exercise. But you can’t change the past, or predict the future. The only thing you can do is make the present your best.

It is easy to do things when you are motivated. But I learned cannot stick to this journey on motivation alone. Motivation tricks you. Motivation comes and goes. What keeps you successful is consistency. And when you fall off the wagon there is no easy way to get back on.

You just have to do it. Even if its uncomfortable, even if you don’t feel like it. The best thing you can do is just start by doing something. And you have to remember. Setbacks are opportunities for even bigger comebacks. Set backs make you tougher. Set backs make you appreciate struggles and hard work. Set backs make you strong.

 

Thanks for reading! Feel free to tell me to get to the gym, and follow me on foreverlastingymclass on Instagram!

 

Beach Bod

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Pretty much my entire life I dreaded summer.  Not because I didn’t love the sunny weather, time off from school, picnics, and ice cream. I didn’t dread summer because I loved winter and snow–I didn’t dread summer for anything summer did. I dreaded summer because of me.

I dreaded summer because of the way my arms looked in a tank top. I dreaded summer because of how my legs rubbed together in shorts. I dreaded summer because I couldn’t put on an oversized hoodie and hide my body like I could in fall and winter.  I hated summer because of bathing suits.

I loved swimming in the pool, but I refused to go when my mother would ask me if I wanted to go to the public pool. I felt queasy when I was invited to pool parties, and couldn’t stand the beach. The thought of people seeing me in bathing suit truly gave me anxiety. All I could think about is how people would see how fat I was (as if they didn’t see it already). I felt like I had a spotlight on me like I was doing something illegal by trying to do things only skinny people should do. I would envy my thin class-mates in their bikinis while I tried to cover as much up in my one-piece. I’d hear them pick apart their bodies and call themselves fat–when I would have done anything to look like them. I was confused–if these people who were so thin in my world were calling themselves fat–what was I? Something even worse I feared.  A monster even.

I was fortunate enough unlike some, that I was never particularly bullied for my weight. In fact the moments were so few I can remember them word by word. Like when we had to bring in baby pictures in 7th grade and a boy in my class made a comment to me, “No wonder why you are so fat, you had a baby already”.  No I wasn’t cyber bullied like kids today unfortunately are and I wasn’t often publicly humiliated. The biggest bully was my own self. My thoughts were my own worst enemy. I was my harshest critic. It was me who constantly put myself down. It is crazy to me how easy it is for someone to appear so happy on the outside–but on the inside be crying. If you have ever felt like I have–then you know how lonely and agonizing life can be.

When I started this weight loss journey 4 years ago, I quickly realized the weight loss was purely  physical. The rest of the changes were all mental. As I lost weight I gained confidence. As I hit goals in the gym, I started to believe in my self. As I stripped away the layers of clothes I covered myself up in–I found myself. And most importantly I started loving myself. These mental changes have made more of a difference than numbers on a scale ever could.

Yes, I do stress about numbers sometimes. Yes, I still have moments where I don’t feel comfortable in my skin. But the word fat doesn’t control me anymore like it used to. And guess what–I LOVE summer now. Even though I am no where near where society says I should be in order to wear a bikini– I’ll wear one! Even if you can still see my back fat and belly rolls in a bathing suit.  I stopped waiting until I was thin for me to start loving and enjoying life. If I did that–my whole life would pass me by.

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I may never have a “beach bod” but I’ll never stop working for one. And I will never let anyone especially myself stop me from enjoying the beach, the pool, or summer again.

As always thanks for reading =) and you can follow my journey on Instagram @foreverlastingymclass

 

 

Being on a diet is hard– ( being fat is hard continued)

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This is part two of my “Being Fat is Hard” rant. If you missed part one check it out here.

Welcome to my pity party. I apologize in advance for the lack of cheese and crackers and lays potato chips with French onion dip. (Omg, how good would that be right now?).

It’s been over four weeks since my last cheat meal and I’m pretty sure this rant is fueled 100% by hanger.

I’ll tell you being fat is hard, but so is being on a “diet”.  We aren’t supposed to use the word diet anymore. Its kind of taboo in the health world. We are supposed to say “life style change.” In other words… there is no light at the end of this tunnel. This is theoretically  permanent. Go directly to jail, do not collect $200, do not pass go–(just kidding, its not that bad). This is just how you are supposed to eat now. (Most of the time, anyways).

But when your co-worker offers you a donut or a bagel on a Friday morning at work, you  probably don’t say “No thank you, I  changed my lifestyle. “I am sorry I will have to pass, I am limiting my processed food intake and cutting back on sugar.” Or you don’t ask for a list of ingredients to dissect to determine whether or not it fits your meal plan. More likely than not a simple “No thanks, I am on a diet” or “I am watching what a I eat,  but thanks”  usually works better .  It shouldn’t be this way, but sometimes a frank “No thank you” just doesn’t cut it.

Which brings me to my first point of my rant. I always seem to have to justify why I’m not eating something that everyone around me is.  Every time I decline  a slice of pizza, or eat a burger without a bun I feel I owe people some sort of explanation or am greeted with some type of side eye.  Often times I am mocked, or straight up pitied. As if I am not doing this by choice and someone has me doing it by force. Now a lot of this could be in my head and a result of my paranoia, but a lot of it is also real. If you have ever been in my position, you know what I mean!

As much as a fat person gets judged for eating slice of cake, so does  a fat person who is noticeably cutting back carbs.  Being on a diet is hard. For me it is constantly thinking about food and being in situations where there will be food I am not eating at the moment there and how will I handle it. I get anxiety thinking about how I am going to turn down drinks or food at a party. It is a burden I hope someday I will not have to live with. I get nervous thinking about what people will say or think, or how I dread when people tell me “I’m not fun” when I’m not drinking.

There are two challenges when facing the public  when on a “diet.”The first is will power. Will power is the strength to  eat your meal plan approved food before a party and going in guns blazing full armor ready to disarm every cupcake and cannoli thrown your way. Will power is the determination to stick to your plan and not throw away a week’s worth of counting calories and workout’s to partake in your mom’s Sunday dinner.

Will power is what stops you from ordering what you really want at a restaurant (if you get to go to a restaurant at all) and what stops you from mindless eating what your darkest desires crave. I envy people who do not need to think twice before they eat something. I envy people who don’t have to worry about how many calories,  carbs, or fat are in something, or how much exercise they will have to do to work that off. I envy people who just get to eat whatever they want, when they want. That is not something  you get to do when you are overweight. This is not something you get to do when you are actively trying to lose weight.

If you have the will power down-kudos! Your next battle is peer pressure and public scrutiny which is waaay harder than willpower in my opinion.  “Why aren’t you drinking? Why aren’t you eating that?” as if what I am doing or not doing affects other people. It doesn’t, but people will sure act like it does. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told people “No thanks” or “I’m good” and they tell me “Oh come on  just have a little, or but you’ve been doing so good!”. “Just have one” (Yeah, that’s like offering a recovering alcoholic just one drink, but seriously!). Sometimes I am honest. Sometimes I feel I have to lie just to get through it. “I’m not hungry, I already ate, I don’t feel good etc., just to avoid having to explain my choice.

I will say, I have I have never walked up to a person smoking a cigarette on the side of the street and said, “You know that smoking those cause cancer right?” Because odds are they are well aware of this fact, and choose to do it anyway. I can’t say I’ve received the same treatment from people when it comes to diets. I’ve had people actually rant lecture me about drinking diet coke while I am drinking it as if I do not know it is unhealthy. When it comes to diets, everyone seems to have an opinion, and many do not have any reservations about telling you how they feel about it.

Yes besides the battle with will power and peer pressure,  it straight up sucks sometimes to feel left out of things. To feel like you “can’t” partake in things that other people can or eat things you want. To feel extreme guilt when you do give into an urge. It sucks to hear people talk about where they are going out to eat on Friday night knowing you are going home to your own home-cooked paleo-approved menu. It sucks sitting home on a weekend nights sometimes and seeing all your friends out ,drinking  eating, and having fun and you are home because you have to get up early for a workout.

The devil on my shoulder always taunts me with this.Its the weekend though right? We should let lose splurge a little. But if we gave into every temptation or used every “special occasion” to indulge, then you won’t get very far.  You will constantly be swimming upstream. I have learned this the hard way several times. On a weight loss journey it is impossible to get results if you eat well all week and blow it all every single weekend night. Or just on “special events.” Especially in my family where it is literally someone’s birthday every weekend. And if its not, we will still find some reason for a cake and lots of carbs. (Being Italian is truly a blessing and a curse).

Sometimes you have to stay strong and keep your eye on the prize. Keep visualizing your goal. Keep at the forefront of your mind the reason WHY you are doing what you are doing. The reason why you eat moderately, and are conscious of your health. Because you made a choice to invest in yourself and your health. Because these will give you more long term happiness than the immediate satisfaction of a cupcake or plate of mac and cheese. Because you are on a mission to look and feel your best. Because you have a goal you want to achieve.

Because let me tell you what I learned.  There will always be another time to have the thing that you are passing up. Pizza, cupcakes, chips, margaritas–there not going anywhere. And I’ll tell you I feel far less regret about missing out on a beer or a plate of nachos than I feel the next morning with a hangover or a few pounds up on the scale after busting my butt all week. So sometimes you have to let the comments people make regarding  YOUR life choices (because remember, they are yours) and carry on doing your thing! And remember, there is a time and a place to treat yourself! As long as you plan it and make it count.

And remember, during this journey people will continuously ask you WHY you aren’t doing something, they will eventually start asking you HOW you did it.

End Rant –Happy Friday Y’all.  If you are a fellow weekend warrior–God speed! And if you read this excessive post–I love you!

 

 

 

I can’t 

 

I can’t.

I can’t exercise.


I can’t get to a gym.


I can’t do Crossfit- that’s for fit people.


I can’t stick to healthy diet.


I can’t run a 5k.


I can’t finish a Spartan race.


I can’t survive a Ragnar race.


I can’t lift heavy weights.


I can’t finish that workout.


I can’t lose weight.


I can’t lose the weight, again.


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Okay, you get the idea. This one is for all my fellow “can’t doers.” For anyone who has ever felt like I have. Who has ever thought their dreams were hopeless. Whoever just gave up. Whoever said “I just can’t”. This is just a short list of things I previously said I “can’t” do.   This was my mind set 4 years ago where I was over 230 pounds and in the worst mental and physical shape of my life. (Spoiler alert: , I’ve since  accomplished all of the above).

I truly believe “I can’t” is arguably the most severe form of human disability.
“I can’t” is a cover. It is an excuse. It is more like “I won’t or “I won’t even try. It is a reason for people not to do things they are afraid they might fail at. “I can’t” is rarely physical. “I can’t” is mental.

Over the course of my weight loss journey, and life beyond that, I have hindered myself using the words “I can’t”. I let it hold me back from trying a lot of things, and dismissing myself. “I can’t” is a slippery slope, and at times in my life I’ve found myself all the way at the bottom.

My life started to change when I changed just a few of my “I cant’s” to ” I can try’s.” I am not even going to sit here and say you can transition from thinking you can’t do something to a happy go lucky “I can do it!” attitude overnight, but if you take one small step into convincing yourself you can try something, you’ve won the battle.

Sometimes when I get discouraged, I reflect on where I came from. If had never tried to do any of those things above–I would have missed out on so many wonderful opportunities. The feelings of accomplishment I had crossing the finish line for my first 5k, to getting my finisher’s medal at the Spartan races, and setting goals and actually achieving are indescribable. These moments are what keep me going.

I conquered my fears little by little, step by step, just by trying to get better. I got over my fear of being the biggest person at the gym by just showing up. I got over my fear of being the last person to finish a run, by being happy that I finished it at all. I got over my fear of not being as good as everyone else, by stopping comparing myself to everyone and only competing with myself. I got over my fear of being too weak by promising myself to always give it my all. I got over my doubts about doing certain movements by scaling them down to something I could do until eventually I could progress.

If I  had never even tried, I would not be where I am today. If I never took those first steps, I would probably be in the same, self loathing, no confidence slump I was in. If I never started trying, little by little I would not be where I stand now: A happier, healthier version of myself who isn’t afraid to try to new things.
Some days are harder than others.

Some days I lack motivation, and confidence. Some days doubt creeps back into my mind. But trust me if you start by saying “I can try” instead of “I cant” no matter what it is in life, not just for your health, I promise you, you will find yourself doing things you never thought possible. And I can tell you from experience, there is nothing quite like that feeling.

But be careful if you start trying new things and actually doing things you only wished you could .. you might start feeling like a bad ass . And I guess that’s really not such a bad thing

As always if you made it this far, I love you!