So if you can’t tell I seem to only be able to update this thing when I am feeling good/motivated. And If I am being honest, well it has been a while since I have felt either of those things.
The truth is it is easy to keep your fitness blog/social media current and positive and inspiring when you just finished a 5k, or you lost another 10 pounds on the scale, or that goal pair of jeans you bought 3 months ago finally slide right on.
It is not so easy when the weight you fought to get off (literal blood , sweat, and tears) creeps back on. It is not easy when you feel like a failure, or when your clothes are feeling tighter. When you have set your alarm clock for 4 a.m. consistently for months, and only made it to the gym a handful of times. It’s especially hard when you find yourself repeating bad habits that you swore would never come back.
I have been feeling a lot of mental anguish lately. Nothing I seem to be doing is working, and I can’t find any progress on or off the scale. Some of my setbacks were out of my control: two surgeries, followed by a car accident. Those events have made my gym life sporadic and have certainly lowered my morale a lot. However, I was taught “abs are made in the kitchen” and thought even if I can’t get to the gym that food is most important, but despite my best efforts to eat “healthy” , I’ve been failing in that department too.
And if I’m being super honest, the hardest set back hasn’t been physical or due to circumstances out of my control. It has been mental. I’ve been stuck in a serious rut that I can’t seem to get out of. I’ve been depressed and down on myself.
I started to feel a lot better when a few weeks ago I visited my cousin (and one of my biggest supporters) in Massachusetts, a trip I’ve been wanting to take for years. She shares a lot of my blog posts with the people in her classes, and some of them even started following me on social media. I was so excited to finally get to her classes, but before I went I was feeling very nervous. Here I am the girl who is supposed to be inspiring, having lost a bunch of weight, feeling unsure if I could even have the stamina to make it through two classes back to back (a year ago it would have been normal for me to do two workouts in a day). I wasn’t sure what the outcome would be but I was going to be damned if I didn’t try. To my surprise I did it, and it felt great! I’ve been trying to hold on to that “awesome” feeling I felt after taking her classes and use it as fuel to try and get my drive back. It was just a taste. As much as I felt like a “failure” or a “phony” meeting these people for the first time, the warmness I received (including a giant hug) from the people in her classes made me feel so good and gave me a sense of purpose again.
But, unfortunately, sometimes before I can really change, I need to hit rock bottom. I think I finally have. A few nights ago I ended up binge eating for the first time in a long time, followed by intense guilt, and me hovered over a toilet attempting to make myself sick, followed by the tears after I couldn’t do it. And if I didn’t need any more reminders of how fall I’ve fallen, I saw pictures of myself taken this weekend and my heart sunk.
I was flooded with emotions. “How can this be me again?” “How could I possibly let myself end up here again knowing how much work and sacrifice it took me to get to where I was?”
Today was the first “hot” day of the year and it scared me. It has been winter for so long that I’ve been able to hide under big, comfortable clothes. Soon I will have to face shorts, dresses, and even bathing suits (shudder). I have to face the reality that people are going to notice the weight I have put back on and the shame that comes with that. The same people who in the past congratulated me for “looking good” or losing weight, are going to see me and the shame and sense of failure I may feel terrifies me. I remember the best part of losing weight for me was shopping for clothes that weren’t loose and baggy and not crying in the dressing room. Feeling comfortable in my own skin was my greatest feat, even though I was nowhere near my “goal weight” or even near the weight I am “supposed to be”.
So with that said, I am throwing all my other goals aside for the moment and focusing on my mental battle and trying to get that “comfort” in my own skin back. I want to get back to that feeling I had after the workout classes with Jen, and the feeling of accomplishment I used to have after I hit a goal (big or small). I am hoping this sun will be enough motivate me, but if anyone has any other suggestions, feel free to throw them my way!
If you have ever felt like this, even a little, just know you are not alone. That bad times don’t last and no matter how many times you think you’ve “failed”, what counts is if you stand up and keep trying. That we cant control what happens to us, but we can control how we react to it. I have a long way to go, but I haven’t given up yet no matter how close I came.
Thanks again for those of you who actually read my ramblings, your support means the world to me.