“Transformation Tuesday”

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I originally wasn’t going to post this because I don’t see too much difference but this is August 2019 v August 2020. Between these two pics is just about 30 pounds. It was a very slow drop compared to the past. But I guess this is one before and after that I am happier about mental change v. physical change and that is also worth acknowledging. Call it a different type of “Transformation Tuesday” or whatever the cool kids say.

Last August I had crept back up to one of my heaviest weights since I started my weight loss journey..just 20 pounds shy from my starting weight. When I allowed myself to finally face this reality, I was devastated. I was really depressed and down and disappointed that I had gotten back to that point. So, I just basically started again from the top.

My weight loss journey has always been about losing weight with the intent of being healthier, but If I am being honest I cared more about the scale than anything else even if I didn’t always admit it. I just keep thinking once I hit my goal weight I will be happy and then my life can really start. It led it to a vicious cycle of me being “all in” or “all out”. I’d be “all in” and allow myself no room for error or moderation. I’d lose weight pretty quickly (I once lost almost 30 pounds In 8 weeks but ended up losing my gallbladder too 😂) and then when I was “off” I would binge and go crazy.  I’d work my butt off and restrict myself with unsustainable diets with the end goal of having all the things I “couldn’t eat “and then reward myself with it.  I learned the hard way that that doesn’t work for me. The craziest part is I really thought it was healthy! And because I was losing weight, I am sure others believed it was too, but honestly there is nothing healthy about that toxic cycle or doing things in a drastic way just to lose weight.

It wasn’t until I started losing weight slower and really focusing on making healthy living my lifestyle and not just chasing numbers on the scale that I really understood what moderation meant. I started my nutrition program last September and it really has changed the way I view food. I love learning about how it actually fuels our body and how what we eat influences our overall health so dramatically. I learned that it is not just calories in v. out (and yes that works for just weight loss) but what we eat and how much of it that really matters. Do I want to be a healthier weight Yes. Do I want my clothes to fit better ? Yes. But most importantly I just really want to be healthy, and the best and happiest version of me.

I still struggle and I am no where I want to be or even where I was but I truly believe I have a better mindset now and am ok with the slower loss if it means I am going to create a healthy lifestyle and include moderation verses going through the weight loss/gain cycle over and over. I don’t want to have to “diet” but I want to make my everyday diet one that I am able to enjoy but also be healthy not because I hate myself, but because I love myself and want to treat myself and body with love. I want to work out because I get to, not because I “have to”. I want to do it because it makes me feel good and because it is good for me, not as a punishment for being fat.

My point is… it’s not all about number on a scale. And I know all about scales trust me, I have 4. It’s about feeling good on the inside and outside and creating a healthy life that is sustainable for you.

Thanks for reading and all your continued support on this journey and know I’d you never need any .. I got you!

13.1

Let me just start by saying I am not a runner. I never have been. I don’t have a runner’s body. I do not glide, my feet stomp on the pavement. I usually avoid running at all costs. I don’t find it relaxing and sometimes every minute feels like an eternity. I love Crossfit and lifting weights and body movements and all things fitness. I loved doing the Spartan races.  But running…nope. My  my stomach would always turn when I saw a run programmed in the workout.  I almost always was the last runner (hence my blog title foreverlastingymclass) and am always the last person in my family to roll through the Colony 5k finish line when my brother and sister are already on their second or third beer, and slice of pizza.

Okay you get the point– I hate running.  But what I do love is challenging myself. Having a goal to work on, working on it, and achieving it. To me there is such an incredible feeling of thinking you “can’t” do something or something is “too hard” and then proving yourself wrong. Since my fitness journey started I have been able to hold myself accountable and to make mental and physical progress by challenging myself and setting goals.

So last year I decided I wanted to run a half-marathon. It was a fleeting thought.  I was actually just scrolling through Facebook and saw an advertisement (I am a sucker for a good add) for the Atlantic City half-marathon. I figured, well if I am going to do a half-marathon, why not do one in a place I love! Then I went to register and saw that I could do it by raising money for St. Jude Children’s Hospital. Boom, there was my inspiration. I could run this marathon and raise money for a great cause. I clicked register and forgot all about it for a while. Maybe I’ll just not do it, it was only a thought.

Then one day I got a package in the mail. It was a thank-you from St. Jude for fundraising. It had a post card, a bag, and a water bottle. That was when I realized “Shit, I actually have to do this thing”. I started training in January and oof, the first few runs hurt. I was slow.  The runs were agonizing. I was not confident. I downloaded a training plan for beginners and started to follow it.  As much as it sucked, I kept going. I had committed to the goal and now I had to see it through. I booked two nights at Atlantic City and kept envisioning that as my reward.  As I continued to train, my endurance got better and I felt stronger. Each new “long” run was a milestone and a gave me a feeling of accomplishment. First 5 felt amazing. Then 6. Then 7. (you get the idea). When I did 10, it was awful, but I did it!

When Corona happened, I was already training hard, and continued to hope it wouldn’t get cancelled (but as we learned more I realized it was inevitable). I thought about just stopping, and tabling my goal for a while. My brother-in-law commented on my Instagram Post and said “you are still running one on that day” and volunteered to run with me. That was all I needed to keep going. I had set out to achieve a goal, and put in a lot of work training, so even though the race was cancelled, I still committed.

This past Saturday was race day. It was truly amazing. Even when I set out I was unsure if could do it. I had put in the work training, but I felt a little uneasy, but excited. As promised, my brother-in-law ran with me. It was a beautiful day and the course we chose was beautiful by the water. It wasn’t a packed boardwalk at Atlantic City surrounded by thousands of other runners, but it was still my race and took it seriously.  I started off strong, and by the end the last few miles were grueling. But thanks to John, the support of my friends who littered the route with signs and cheers (and soon enough strangers were even cheering me on)  my family waiting for me at the “finish line”, and some energy chews I stuffed into my mouth (in hopes they would give me super powers to finish like Mario-kart) I  am proud to say I did it! 2.47 hours later.

One more goal checked off on my bucket list. I am still doing the AC half-marathon next year as my registration gets carried over, so I hoping this time to beat my first time! Setting goals and always having something to work on, to be better is what has got me this far and what I will continue to do to keep going. I may have had some ups and downs, but goals keep me going.

Thank you for your support as always! Set some goals and smash em! YVSqqBBfSuymsm7lmw3pYw0560F3FD-0FC6-4408-8F0E-95D994AA53E7 2

Finding balance

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Well, since we are in Quarantine in some of the strangest days of our lives, I decided to dust the cobwebs off the old blog, and breathe some life back into it. A lot of this extra free time has brought some positives. For one it has reminded me that I have been neglecting some things that I love, including writing. Shoutout to my nephew for inadvertently reigniting my passion. Anyways, I’m still here, still learning and trying to figure out how to find my way in this fitness journey.  For those of you have followed me, you know that I have had my ups and downs. I am grateful for them though, because it has all been such a learning experience and every time I fall down, when I get back up I am that much stronger and armed with more knowledge and experience. Grit? Isn’t that what it’s called?

I’ve learned so far that losing weight isn’t the hard part.  I am not saying that losing weight is easy, I will be the first to tell  you it is not, but it is the most straight forward. Calorie deficit right? The real hard part though  is cultivating healthy relationship with food, breaking habits, developing better coping mechanisms, and finding balance. Then there is maintenance. Everyone always told me how to lose weight, but nobody ever told me what to do next. (note to self- rewarding yourself with food binges after long periods of restricting isn’t the best move). Hardest for me is trying to find balance in this unbalanced world.

That brings us to this whole quarantine/coronavirus situation we are in. I’ve found myself on a perpetual crossroads- another instance where I might have gone “all in, or all out”. Eat only healthy home cooked meals, deprive myself of any an all “treats”, and not sleep until I hit 10,000 steps on my Fitbit. (Which I no longer have, upgraded to an Apple Watch, an end of an era for me, has been my lifeline since I started working out!) Or, succumb to the stress and anxiety of everything going on, eat everything in sight, stay glued to the couch, fall into depression, and feel terrible.

So far I’ve been doing pretty good about not falling into or staying on either side of the spectrum. I am waddling on the line in the middle which is where I am trying my best to stay. I am still working out, going for walks, and training for my half-marathon. It was cancelled, obviously, but I am still running a 13 miles on May 16 as planned with my brother-in-law. Working out has honestly done wonders for my mental health. Sometimes it really gets hard to make myself consistently do it, but I always feel better, accomplished, and have more energy when I get it in.  But if I miss a day or take a day off, I don’t beat myself up. Rest days are important too, mentally and physically. I am still trying to eat as healthy as a I can, but I still live with my mother so I had some bomb homemade pizza and chocolate chip banana bread, among other things. I think it is important to remember we are all human and its a trying time for all of us. Everyone copes differently but I think putting extreme pressure on ourselves to be the most productive as possible during all this may not be the right answer for everyone.

I still have a lot of work to do mentally and physically, for example this morning I weighed myself and wanted to punch the wall, but had to remind myself the scale is just a stupid little temperamental robot that changes its calculations if you move it 3 degrees to the left (or upstairs v. downstairs..I’ve tried it all). I am not at all near my lowest weight or my goal weight, but I am taking my time this time and working on my health every day.

Anyways, stay tuned I’ll be posting some new stuff this week. Up next,  I’ll explain why I am training for a half-marathon even though I really hate running.

As always if you made it this far, thank you for reading and being apart of this journey with me.

-AK

Overcoming my carbphobia

Overcoming my carbphobia, and fear of food

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Photo by Mike on Pexels.com

 

Disclaimer : This may upset you low carbers or keto peeps out there . I do not think there is anything wrong with eating low carb, this is just about my own relationship with food! Whatever works for you and is sustainable long term, do it !) 

This morning I woke up with a headache, but I was hungry . I didn’t feel like eggs . I decided to make a cup of plain oatmeal . I know this sounds boring but for me this was a huge deal ! Oatmeal ?! Carbohydrates ?! You can’t eat carbs while trying to lose weight . I’m pretty sure that’s the first thing instilled in my brain when starting out on my weight loss journey. I was instilled in the belief that “carbs make you fat”.  My former self was tortured by the thought. I’ve spent years in terror over carbs. Seriously, I feared them . I wouldn’t let myself eat oatmeal, quinoa, or even fruit because of the carbs,  but then I’d restrict so much I’d end up binge eating pizza or McDonald’s (see the irony here ) . I’d beat myself up for however long (days, weeks, even months ) then get back on track of low carbs and high protein. Protein that most of the time I was forcing myself to eat . I’m not a fan of grilled chicken . I’m just not . But if forced myself for years for years to eat it because it was “healthy “ and I’m not saying it isn’t healthy , it is, but it’s not the only gosh darn protein source out there. It felt liberating to come to the realization if I don’t like it, I don’t NEED to eat it.

There are many other proteins including plant based that I’ve missed out on cause of my carbphobia. I’m not saying it doesn’t work –it does- I lost 70 pounds following this belief . But the weight kept coming back , I’d lose it and it would come back . I’ve been trying to really figure out how to beak the cycle and what I’ve been focusing on most is my relationship and fears with food. I was stuck in the “bad food” “good food” “I can’t eat that” mentality for so long that I failed to realized that was the problem . I was burdened by food guilt . I couldn’t eat anything that I deemed was “bad” or I “I couldn’t have” without immense food guilt .  That was why no matter how hard I tried I’d fall off , or end up binging. Just to start and restart over and over again.

Now I won’t pretend I’ve figured it all out , but I have made progress with my relationship with food . I was not kidding when I said oatmeal was a big deal for me today . Of course I’ve had carbs for breakfast in the past five years but they were what I considered cheats, or foods I felt guilty about eating .  I ate my oatmeal today guilt free and it was not a cheat ! Oatmeal is good for you !!  What most people don’t want to accept, myself included, is that no food group is inherently bad for you or makes you fat. Eating too many calories makes you gain weight . It doesn’t matter if it comes from carbs, protein or fat.

I’m not saying with my new revelation I’m going to go out and eat all the carbs (like chips and white bread ) ALL the time , but I’m not going to be afraid of things like sweet potatoes , fruit , quinoa , and oatmeal and other nutritious foods because of their carb content.

I did an experiment , I stopped eating meat for this  past week . Now of course this meant adding a lot more carbs . Way more than I was used to especially when I’m “eating healthy”. I ate a ton of veggies , fruits , beans, whole grains ,and healthy fat sources like olive oil and avocado. I was surprised to see I was still getting a decent amount of protein from just beans, plant sources, and eggs . Everyday as I logged my food I still got that twinge of fear when my carbs were way higher than they normally were even though they were coming from all good sources. And guess what?! I lost weight . I still counted calories and remained in a deficit because that’s essential no matter what type of eating plan you follow, but I was shocked . Maybe I’m on my way to debunking for myself that carbs alone make you fat. And you know what they say , in order to get over your fears you need to face them head on ! I don’t want to fear any food group anymore and focus on the quality and nutrition of my foods not just “low carb”.  My new goals aren’t just weight loss but to enjoy a night out with friends,  or a holiday without feeling guilty , and then just get right back on it the next day . To end the cycle of all or nothing and truly work on the word moderation, which I’ve mentioned before but never really understood.

Since I’ve started this mentality the weight is coming off slower but it is going down.  I’m working on my mental health and relationship with food all at the same time. Losing weight isn’t the hard part , it’s finding something that is sustainable and changing your lifestyle to maintain the weight loss is what is hard . It’s been such a learning experience so I guess that is why they call it a journey !  So thanks for all those who are with me on mine. If you made it this far thanks for reading and your support !

Master’s Degree Here I come

I have been sitting on some very big personal news since May. As of yesterday, I have begun my journey for a Master’s of Science  in Human Nutrition degree at the University of Bridgeport’s online program.

Ever since I started my weight loss journey almost six years ago,  I knew I had found something I was passionate about. Before, I lived my whole life afraid of food, failing at diets, and uncomfortable in my own skin. When I started my journey I loved learning about nutrition, learning how to put healthy twists on my favorite  foods, and  loved giving people advice and help when they asked me for it. Even though myself am constantly learning and going through highs and low,  trials and errors, I genuinely enjoy helping others.

I decided I wanted to learn as much as I can about nutrition, about actually living a healthy lifestyle and not just how to do the next fad “diet”. I decided I wanted to master it (literally), and use all my new tools and knowledge to help others in an area I have struggled with my entire life. On a whim, I applied to the University of Bridgeport Masters of Human Nutrition Program.

Not having any science background, and an undergraduate degree in Communications, I really didn’t think I’d even get in. But to my surprise on May 16, I found out I got accepted. I was so happy. But at first I didn’t tell a soul. I didn’t even tell my parents until the weekend.

I slowly told my immediate family and only a few friends. I was ashamed to tell people. At first I told myself it was because I wasn’t even sure if I’d finish. Or that “nobody needs to know what I am doing” or it was “nobody’s business”. And it’s not. But that isn’t the real reason I did not tell anyone.

I haven’t told many people because of fear. Because of my size.  Because I am fat. Fear of judgemement and being made fun of. Fear of people thinking “She is fat, how can she be a nutritionist?” or “She can’t even help herself, how can she help other people?”Why would she waste all that money going back to school?”Who is going to take her seriously?”

But I realized those were my own negative thoughts. I was putting myself down before I even gave other people a chance to. So by hiding this I wasn’t “hustling quietly” I was just setting myself up for failure.

It wasn’t until I went to the bookstore to get my books that I had a change of heart. The guy working said “Wow, that is a really tough program to get into, you should be proud of yourself!”.

Suddenly it clicked.  I should be proud. I am taking on a whole new adventure of trying to better myself and learn and grow. I may not be what people think of when they hear nutritionist, but maybe one day I will prove all those negative voices in my head wrong.

So, naturally, I bought a UB sweatshirt and coffee mug, and from now on I will wear them proud. And maybe in 18 months I’ll even walk away with a Master’s Degree.

As always, if you made it this far I thank you so much for reading!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So long Forever Last In Gym Class

 

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Today’s post is all about endings–and beginnings.

Today I am ending an era for me –an area that helped save my life. This blog, Forever Last in Gym Class, combined with my Instagram page, helped me throughout my weight loss journey.  It helped me to stay accountable, inspired, and allowed me to go through the ups and downs, victories and losses, in a way that made me feel like I wasn’t alone.

It is no secret my losses have been more prevalent than my victories lately. I have gained a lot of weight back and I have not been able to get it off this time ( despite my efforts) and something has just been missing in the whole equation. Part of it is mental in my mindset and how my thinking has been and part is lack of consistency in my diet and exercise. I’d see an old picture of me in my prime shape and want to desperately channel that person I  saw who was inspired, motivated, and who stuck to her plans and hit her goals. But then I realized something. I was trying to morph back into someone who no longer exists. I was trying desperately to go back in time when I should have been looking to the future.

I can’t go back in time. I can’t be that person again–she does not exist anymore. She has changed and grown and gone through new experiences and challenges. Life has knocked her down but she keeps getting back up. She is armed with new knowledge. She is ready to turn page- and start a new chapter.

The only person I can try to be now is better than the person I am today. Each day try to be better, instead of living in the past.  To focus on how I am now and where I am going. To set new goals, and let go of the past.

So I’d like to welcome you to my new handle (for now)— The Comeback AK. This is not a new journey, but a new chapter. If you have ever felt like you failed something,  or if you ever thought you can’t do something..then believe me I understand, and I am going to make it my mission to prove you and myself wrong. If I can do it, ANYONE can.  Seriously, anyone.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. I appreciate all the support I’ve gotten on my journey. Drop a comment ! Now taking any and all support! And if you need anything feel free to message me.  We are in this together!

 

 

 

Put your sneakers on girl!

Or guy .

Or whoever.

Get up off your butt and get your sneakers on!

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Honestly, I love the feeling after I workout. It doesn’t  matter how long or short my workout was, how well or poor I think I did, the intensity, whether or not I got a PR (personal record) or ran my fastest minute mile. I feel good when I finish, I feel motivated, I feel accomplished, and I feel well, a bit proud. My moral is lifted every single time.

Then why is it so hard for me to get to the gym everyday? I struggle with this more days than not. If I go in the morning, I arm myself with multiple alarms and go through a strenuous snooze process. I go to bed set on getting up and conquering the morning WOD, until 4:45 a.m.  comes. Terrible  counterproductive thoughts intrude my foggy morning brain. “You should sleep in, you can just go later” is usually what I convince myself before ignoring that last alarm and drifting back into sleep. Then I wake up mad, disappointed in myself and vow to go later after work. Until 3:00 p.m. comes, my motivation fades  more defeating thoughts swirl my brain. “Just take the night off,  go to bed early, and get after it in the morning.”

It is a vicious cycle.

This morning I woke up late  (classic), and decided I’d go after work. I didn’t want to go at all when the time came. I sulked, made excuses, and looked at my couch longingly. But then thanks to my gym buddy (blue sneaker) I got the push I needed. I got dressed, but until the last second I refused to put on my sneakers. It sounds silly but honestly sometimes putting my gym sneakers on is the hardest part of my workout. It is like some part of my brain signals off and its like “Oh crap if we put these on, we gotta actually do this.”

The drive there I did not feel much better. Even when I got to the gym, I debated not going inside. It is so crazy how much mental anguish it can take me to get somewhere I know is just going to benefit me. Somewhere I feel comfortable and welcome (thank you Rough House!) Somewhere I don’t feel judged. Somewhere that can get me to my goals way faster than my couch can.

Tonight’s class was just what I needed to remind myself that if you can get through all that anxiety and doubt and negative thoughts and make it there, the reward is rich. It was a small group of bad ass girls, working on being their best selves, having, fun, and cheering each other on.

And then I realized sometimes you just need to push through those seemingly small steps…. like waking up when your alarm goes off. Driving to the gym. Finding a place you feel comfortable. Getting a gym buddy to hold yourself accountable. Make time for a tiny part of your day to work on yourself and your health. Just push through. If you can make it that far, half the battle is won. The hard part. So get up, and get your damn sneakers on and do the damn thing!

 

 

 

 

 

One Burpee at a Time

Hey, its me again.

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I looked at my blog for the first time in a long time the other day and felt a rush of emotion. Mostly sad and embarrassed. Where was that inspirational, positive girl who lost over 70 pounds?

Well here she is. Gained back most of her weight. Hates getting dressed in the morning because of how things fit. Feeling guilty when I eat. Hates looking at photos of myself. Shopping for clothes is a nightmare again. Eats healthy all day and then binges at night. Afraid to weigh myself .Feels ugly. Feels like a failure.

Basically the girl who started Forever Last in Gym Class. Maybe just a little more jaded and convinced that this is a life long battle that I ultimately can’t win. Why do I put in all the work just to ultimately continue to sabotage myself over and over again.

So..instead of moping about it(for too long)..I did a thing. I joined Crossfit again. Went back to my roots and back to the sole thing that saved my life and my health when I started this journey.

I was excited. I had purpose again. Something to hold me accountable. Sunday night I got all my stuff ready. I set my alarm for 445 a.m I wasn’t even daunted..I was pumped. I was ready to get back into the ring after being on the sidelines for so long.

Insert Self Sabotage here–> As soon as I woke up when my alarm went off  I checked the workout. I saw the second part of the workout was 125 burpees for time. Panic set in. I thought about how I get out breath when I do 10 burpees. I doubted my ability to finish. Mostly I thought about the embarrassment. I thought of my large, out of shape body slamming on to the ground, the rests I would have to take, and the anguish it would take me while the “fit” people around me landed with grace and how their burpees would lapse seamlessly into another. My excitement was gone. It. was replaced with fear, dread, and shame. I feared more about how I’d look during this workout, than the workout itself.

So I turned my alarm off. I didn’t go. I quit. It was day one and I already threw in the towel. I felt terrible all day. As the day went on I got angry, angry at myself for being so shallow and for using excuses. For giving up so easily.

I then turned my anger into action. I vowed I would do the workout I missed this week. I wasn’t going to let myself off the hook or take the easy way out. So Monday night I set my alarm again and hoped for the best.

It took some snoozing and some serious inner monologue debates to get me up and out of bed but I did it. I got my coffee, got dressed, drove to the Edge and let me tell you.. I DID THE DAMN THING. I told myself I was not leaving that gym until all 125 burpees were complete and I didn’t care how long it was going to take.

And a crazy thing happened, I finished! Even though I didn’t think I could. Once again proving our minds quit way before our bodies. I wanted to give up at 25. Nobody would know and I could just go walk on the treadmill or something. But I stuck it out. I turned my music up and even though it wasn’t pretty, and I took breaks, I finished.

And I felt good the whole day. And I was reminded why I love working out and Crossfit  so much. It feels good to accomplish something even though your mind tries to convince you that you cant.  So I decided from now on I am not going to make any big unattainable goals or declarations or restrict myself completely from anything. No more “cant’s”. I am going to work at moderation and consistency and self love. Mostly  I am just going to take things one burpee at a time..

 

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Thanks always for reading!-Amanda

 

 

 

 

Mindset is… EVERYTHING.

 

 

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It’s me again, your average consistent inconsistent blogger.

I know I have talked about this topic before but I cannot stress enough that mindset is everything!  I have been in a rut this year, struggling to get the weight off I put back on, and I know why. It wasn’t due to lack of meal prepping (guilty), inconsistent workouts (check) and too many Sunday Funday’s (opps) . While those things haven’t help my cause, I can pinpoint my lack of success directly to my mindset.

“But I’ve lost weight before”, I kept telling myself. Then why can’t I do it now? I’ve spent so much time agonizing over eating low carb or no carb, dairy or no dairy, keto, full fat, low fat, counting calories or macros, paleo, Mediterranean., you get the idea. At times it can be so overwhelming and anxiety producing just for me trying to decide what to eat. I get angry at people who cant eat whatever they want without fear of consequence, guilt, or binging.

When I looked back to the moments I was successful, I realized it wasn’t the diet plan or the amount of carbs that got me there. It wasn’t weeks without pasta or cheese. It was willpower, determination, confidence, patience, constancy, and faith…all things you cannot find on a set of nutrition facts.

I always joke how I miss the 2015 Amanda–she was in shape, determined, and probably consuming way too much pre-workout. But as crazy as she was (at least one 5K every weekend and two a days) .. Her mind was in the right place.

This year has been emotional for me. I’ve been in a mental struggle and sometimes anxiety and depression have gotten the best of me. But I am here to take back control of my life and stop being a passenger.

Sometimes you need to let go of what has been weighing you down on the inside, before you can shed weight on the outside. I am not giving up yet. I am finally getting back into the right mindset and doing my best to get back into the groove.

Obtaining a clear mindset can be achieved through  self-care. It means putting yourself first, and making sure your priorities are straight. It means making goals and taking action to make your goals. It means caring less about what other people think about you and only caring what you think. It means living with no regrets and not apologizing to anyone for who you are. It means getting rid of toxic behaviors (including people) and surrounding yourself with positivity vibes only. It means less complaining and more doing something about changing. It means stop comparing yourself to others, and not worrying about being “behind”. It is accepting you are right where you are supposed to be and having faith that if things aren’t so great right now, that its not forever and life always works itself out.

I am learning to not worry about falling in love, but to try and fall in love with myself. Everyday I need to work at it, but it is getting easier and easier. I still have moments of weakness and self doubt-but giving up and giving into them is not an option. Every time I fall down I will get back up, and every time I fail I want to try 10x harder.

There is still about 4 months left of 2018 and I am ready to give it my all, day by day, one step at a time. Whos with me!?

As always thanks for reading !

 

Rock Bottom

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So if you can’t tell I seem to only be able to update this thing when I am feeling good/motivated. And If I am being honest, well it has been a while since I have felt either of those things.

 

The truth is it is easy to keep your fitness blog/social media current and positive and inspiring when you just finished a 5k, or you lost another 10 pounds on the scale, or that goal pair of jeans you bought 3 months ago finally slide right on.

 

It is not so easy when the weight you fought to get off (literal blood , sweat, and tears) creeps back on. It is not easy when you feel like a failure, or when your clothes are feeling tighter.  When you have set your alarm clock for 4 a.m. consistently for months, and only made it to the gym a handful of times. It’s especially hard when you find yourself repeating bad habits that you swore would never come back.

 

I have been feeling a lot of mental anguish lately. Nothing I seem to be doing is working, and I can’t find any progress on or off the scale. Some of my setbacks were out of my control: two surgeries, followed by a car accident. Those events have made my gym life sporadic and have certainly lowered my morale a lot. However, I was taught “abs are made in the kitchen” and thought even if I can’t get to the gym that food is most important, but despite my best efforts to eat “healthy” , I’ve been failing in that department too.

 

And if I’m being super honest, the hardest set back hasn’t been physical or due to circumstances out of my control. It has been mental. I’ve been stuck in a serious rut that I can’t seem to get out of. I’ve been depressed and down on myself.

 

I started to feel a lot better when a few weeks ago I visited my cousin (and one of my biggest supporters) in Massachusetts, a trip I’ve been wanting to take for years. She shares a lot of my blog posts with the people in her classes, and some of them even started following me on social media. I was so excited to finally get to her classes, but before I went I was feeling very nervous. Here I am the girl who is supposed to be inspiring, having lost a bunch of weight, feeling unsure if I could even have the stamina to make it through two classes back to back (a year ago it would have been normal for me to do two workouts in a day).  I wasn’t sure what the outcome would be but I was going to be damned if I didn’t try. To my surprise I did it, and it felt great! I’ve been trying to hold on to that “awesome” feeling I felt after taking her classes and use it as fuel to try and get my drive back. It was just a taste. As much as I felt like a “failure” or a “phony” meeting these people for the first time, the warmness I received (including a giant hug) from the people in her classes made me feel so good and gave me a sense of purpose again.

 

But, unfortunately, sometimes before I can really change, I need to hit rock bottom. I think I finally have. A few nights ago I ended up binge eating for the first time in a long time, followed by intense guilt, and me hovered over a toilet attempting to make myself sick, followed by the tears after I couldn’t do it. And if I didn’t need any more reminders of how fall I’ve fallen, I saw pictures of myself taken this weekend and my heart sunk.

 

I was flooded with emotions. “How can this be me again?” “How could I possibly let myself end up here again knowing how much work and sacrifice it took me to get to where I was?”

 

Today was the first “hot” day of the year and it scared me. It has been winter for so long that I’ve been able to hide under big, comfortable clothes. Soon I will have to face shorts, dresses, and even bathing suits (shudder). I have to face the reality that people are going to notice the weight I have put back on and the shame that comes with that. The same people who in the past congratulated me for “looking good” or losing weight, are going to see me and the shame and sense of failure I may feel terrifies me. I remember the best part of losing weight for me was shopping for clothes that weren’t loose and baggy and not crying in the dressing room. Feeling comfortable in my own skin was my greatest feat, even though I was nowhere near my “goal weight” or even near the weight I am “supposed to be”.

So with that said, I am throwing all my other goals aside for the moment and focusing on my mental battle and trying to get that “comfort” in my own skin back. I want to get back to that feeling I had after the workout classes with Jen, and the feeling of accomplishment I used to have after I hit a goal (big or small). I am hoping this sun will be enough motivate me, but if anyone has any other suggestions, feel free to throw them my way!

If you have ever felt like this, even a little, just know you are not alone. That bad times don’t last and no matter how many times you think you’ve “failed”, what counts is if you stand up and keep trying.  That we cant control what happens to us, but we can control how we react to it. I have a long way to go, but I haven’t given up yet no matter how close I came.

Thanks again for those  of you who actually read my ramblings, your support means the world to me.

 

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