BAD DAYS AND BROKEN PHONES…

Here is the story of the day that the treadmill ate my cell phone.

Before I get to that, let me tell you about how this started. Today I cried in the dressing room.

This morning though, was a different story. I felt pretty good. I was down a couple pounds on the scale and feeling super motivated about the gym, my workouts, and making healthy foods again. I packed my gym bag and went straight to the gym after work. I didn’t hem and haw like I usually do, I didn’t sit in the parking lot for 10 minutes and debate if I needed to go or not, and walked right in with confidence.

Then I got into the changing room. If you’ve never changed in an Edge changing room, it is a tiny room barely enough room to move, and a long unforgiving wall length mirror. I always hated this mirror. It’s like the honesty of the car mirror times 10. Normally I can just ignore it but today I was especially affected by it.

When I looked in the mirror all I saw was my fat.In a society that demonizes fat and glorifies diet culture it’s hard not to feel ashamed to see what I see staring back at me. I immediately started to doubt my efforts.

I couldn’t help it. I cried.

Thoughts flooded me “Am I not trying hard enough?” “Have I been eating too much?” “Should I cancel all future plans until further notice..until I lose the weight again?” Till I regain “control” “. Until I am normal”

It’s so hard to show up on days when you don’t see or feel the fruits of your efforts .

It’s hard not to feel ashamed when at one time people used to tell me how inspiring I was not knowing how I was doing crazy restrictive diets or going to gym twice a day and not sleeping till I hit x amount of steps or burned x amount of calories.

To constantly worry that people will judge me for gaining weight back, for going up and down, and still not having figured it all out yet.

For being in grad school for nutrition , when I am still fat, which is my biggest insecurity.

When at times I I feel like a fraud.

Anyways, so about how the treadmill ate my phone. After the emotional experience in the dressing room I honestly wanted to go home. I decided I wasn’t going to get closer to my goals if I did so I decided to stick it out and do a workout. I got on the treadmill to warm up. I picked out a podcast, put the incline all the way up, and had one blissful minute before the incident.

My phone tumbled off the treadmill where it had be resting, and I tried to hit stop but I just couldn’t do it fast enough. The phone got caught in the back of the treadmill, wedged between the runner and the plastic bottom. As I tried to get it out all I could hear was crunch. crunch. crunch. I finally got it free and was hoping the back was just shattered, but when I flipped it over, I knew it was toast. I was oddly calm.I wiped the machine, got my bag, told the front desk girl (who was horrified, and speechless) she’d need to have someone clean the treadmill in the women’s room, and walked out.

I’d love to tell you I persevered, had a great workout, and all the positive vibes. I didn’t. I left. I was defeated. As I sat in the car I was hoping to God I wouldn’t become the next viral gym meme. Fat people get enough unwanted attention and looks at the gym without causing a scene and smashing their phone on the treadmill.

The point of this post is not to garner sympathy instead to show Instagram isn’t always real. I could have just not posted today, or just acted like everything was fine, went to the gym, posted a selfie and all was well.

I wrote this post to remind people that someone may post all the workouts and the healthy foods but may still be dealing with demons and self doubt on the inside.

I know today is just a bad day and I have made mental progress. Having days like this does not make me a failure, or you a failure. It makes us human. You can take steps back, repeat old mistakes, and still have growth. You can take as long as you need to figure things out- despite the pressures society puts on achieving things as quick as possible by any means possible.. Consistency and patience are the hardest lessons I have had to learn, harder than any low carb diet or weight loss challenge.I can say I have gained more  self confidence and at the same time still acknowledge I have miles to go

So if you ever cried in a dressing room mirror- you’re not alone.

If you ever felt like you’re trying at something and keep failing-youre’ not alone 

If you’ve ever wondered ” why me” or “what I am doing wrong ?”-you’re not alone

Today was a bad day. But it was just one day.

I will learn from today, and yes.. I have apple care so for $100.00 I can get a replacement. The catch is I can’t figure out how to turn it off, so I have to wait for it to die first. In true Amanda fashion, you betcha it is completely charged.

Life is always going to throw obstacles. I will keep learning keep trying and not stop until I hit my goals.

If I can keep going, so can you. Just know you are never alone.

-Amanda

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