Hey, its me again.
I looked at my blog for the first time in a long time the other day and felt a rush of emotion. Mostly sad and embarrassed. Where was that inspirational, positive girl who lost over 70 pounds?
Well here she is. Gained back most of her weight. Hates getting dressed in the morning because of how things fit. Feeling guilty when I eat. Hates looking at photos of myself. Shopping for clothes is a nightmare again. Eats healthy all day and then binges at night. Afraid to weigh myself .Feels ugly. Feels like a failure.
Basically the girl who started Forever Last in Gym Class. Maybe just a little more jaded and convinced that this is a life long battle that I ultimately can’t win. Why do I put in all the work just to ultimately continue to sabotage myself over and over again.
So..instead of moping about it(for too long)..I did a thing. I joined Crossfit again. Went back to my roots and back to the sole thing that saved my life and my health when I started this journey.
I was excited. I had purpose again. Something to hold me accountable. Sunday night I got all my stuff ready. I set my alarm for 445 a.m I wasn’t even daunted..I was pumped. I was ready to get back into the ring after being on the sidelines for so long.
Insert Self Sabotage here–> As soon as I woke up when my alarm went off I checked the workout. I saw the second part of the workout was 125 burpees for time. Panic set in. I thought about how I get out breath when I do 10 burpees. I doubted my ability to finish. Mostly I thought about the embarrassment. I thought of my large, out of shape body slamming on to the ground, the rests I would have to take, and the anguish it would take me while the “fit” people around me landed with grace and how their burpees would lapse seamlessly into another. My excitement was gone. It. was replaced with fear, dread, and shame. I feared more about how I’d look during this workout, than the workout itself.
So I turned my alarm off. I didn’t go. I quit. It was day one and I already threw in the towel. I felt terrible all day. As the day went on I got angry, angry at myself for being so shallow and for using excuses. For giving up so easily.
I then turned my anger into action. I vowed I would do the workout I missed this week. I wasn’t going to let myself off the hook or take the easy way out. So Monday night I set my alarm again and hoped for the best.
It took some snoozing and some serious inner monologue debates to get me up and out of bed but I did it. I got my coffee, got dressed, drove to the Edge and let me tell you.. I DID THE DAMN THING. I told myself I was not leaving that gym until all 125 burpees were complete and I didn’t care how long it was going to take.
And a crazy thing happened, I finished! Even though I didn’t think I could. Once again proving our minds quit way before our bodies. I wanted to give up at 25. Nobody would know and I could just go walk on the treadmill or something. But I stuck it out. I turned my music up and even though it wasn’t pretty, and I took breaks, I finished.
And I felt good the whole day. And I was reminded why I love working out and Crossfit so much. It feels good to accomplish something even though your mind tries to convince you that you cant. So I decided from now on I am not going to make any big unattainable goals or declarations or restrict myself completely from anything. No more “cant’s”. I am going to work at moderation and consistency and self love. Mostly I am just going to take things one burpee at a time..
Thanks always for reading!-Amanda