It’s been almost 6 months since my last post. 6 months way over due.
I made this blog almost two years ago to hold myself accountable on my weight loss journey.And what a journey its been. I’ve had my ups and downs, highs and lows. But that’s what makes it a journey. My highs were easy to talk about. My struggles and obstacles were always present, but I always found a positive spin. God, I was annoyingly positive sometimes.
But this time, this blog is hard to write—I’m not sharing my tips, my triumph through a hard time , monthly goals, or boasting about progress. This is about being real.
I’ve gained nearly 20 pounds back that I have worked so hard to lose. Pounds I swore I’d never see again.
Slowly my work pants that were too loose months ago, slowly began to feel tight again. Summer clothes I was proud to wear and fit into last year are no longer flattering. Bathing suit shopping, dress shopping, and shopping in general have become full of headaches and heartache again.
I lost (well misplaced) my passion for working out. My endurance lowered, my strength weakened, and my drive diminished. I feel like the 230 pound me with no confidence, and sad on inside. And once again, I was always last in gym class.
For the past few weeks I’ve given little fight to battle these inner demons. I’ve felt regretful, defeated, unmotivated, and foolish. I am my own worst critic and have been hard on myself for this gain. I couldn’t get passed the lost time and kept thinking about what I “could’ve done” or where I “could’ve been”. Compliments from people who hadn’t seen me in a while would make me shudder. “Look good?” I’d internally panic and think,”If only they knew how much I weighed this morning, or how tight my pants are right now.”
I spent one two many nights crying and whining (mostly to my mother, because Mom’s have to listen to that stuff) about how its not fair that I have to work so hard to keep weight off and others are naturally thin. How “others” seem to enjoy life without micro-analyzing every carb, serving size, and calorie like I do. How people can indulge without guilt. I spent way too much time and energy feeling sorry for myself.
But then I realized. Life happens. I enjoyed most of the time I spent gaining those pounds and worse things happen in life than gaining weight. My health is still in tact. There is no damage that can’t be undone. I realized that I took control when I wanted to lose weight two years ago, and was successful. All’s I have to do is take back control again.
I also realized I could take back control and still enjoy life. Moderation is something I have always struggled with and something I probably always will. Just like I will always have to be conscientious about eating right and exercising. I used to think if I got down to my “goal weight” I’d be happy and then could go back to eating how I used to or having pizza every day. But the reality is this is a lifelong fight, and coming to that realization is half the battle. I have realized also that I feel my best when I’m in shape and eating healthy (funny how that is).
I won’t always be motivated. I won’t always pass up a slice of pizza for a salad. But when I am motivated I will grab the bull by the horns and run with it. Life is about balance. And what’s life without pizza once in a while anyway?
SO. I’m back to basics. Back to holding myself accountable. Back on track. Back to making goals. And back to writing.
Stayed tuned for my Monday weekly blogs =). And if you made it this far I sincerely thank you. Also–check me out on Instagram–Foreverlastingymclass